Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
