saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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