I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
