btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
