Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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