This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
