Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
