nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
