yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
