i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
you had me at cake vodka
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
