He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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