Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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