the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
