Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
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I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
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What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
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