help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
