i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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