Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
