Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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