Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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