rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
