he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
