On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
