K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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