he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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