This dress was meant to end up on your floor
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
