if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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