Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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