my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
