there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
