If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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