Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
