why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
