All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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