So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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