Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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