yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
