I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.