yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
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You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now