life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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