im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
