I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
