Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
