She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
