my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
