i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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