Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
