I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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