theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
