So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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