i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
