my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
