In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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