i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
