i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
