Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
