i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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