i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
