Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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