I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
