worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
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Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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